Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Working It Out

I am once again the holder of a gym membership!  It has only taken me 20 months to finally be okay with the thought of leaving Liam in a gym daycare.  I have been thinking about this for a long time, but never felt ready.  However, lately I have really wanted to get back into a workout routine.  One of the biggest reasons is that I want to be as healthy as possible for any future pregnancies and be able to put into it what I did while carrying Liam.  I know that I need to get back in shape before I am pregnant, so that I will be able to maintain whenever that time comes.  Hopefully soon.  Please be soon!

So we toured this fancy shmancy gym not far from our house.  It's the most luxurious gym I have ever seen!  I have also never seen so much lululemon in my life!  Not that I'm pointing fingers (guilty as charged).  We become members immediately, and I had my butt (outfitted in the appropriate lululemon attire) in there the next day!

Yay for me right?  Well there was still the daycare business to deal with.  I have had so much anxiety/stress/doubt/guilt over this.  I know that it will take Liam time to adjust, but it's hard to deal with in practice.  I should be more optimistic because Liam absolutely loves playing with other kids; he is quite the social butterfly!  My hope is that the gym will become a place that he looks forward to.  If it never becomes something that he loves, it's just not going to work for me.

But I really hope it does work out.  I think exercising each day (hopefully) will make me a better mother.  It will give me time to just focus on myself, which is something I need yet so incredibly hard to do.  Even though I am now a mom, there are still goals that I want to achieve.  One of which is competing in a triathlon!  This was something that I thought would have been completed the summer after I had Liam, but it was put on hold.  I was okay with setting that aside for awhile, but now I am ready!

Day 1 at the gym was not horrible but not great.  Harder on Liam than me.  I played with Liam for a minute and left while he was distracted.  The daycare providers assured me that I would be paged if he ever cried for more than 10 minutes... I told them to page me sooner if needed, because 10 minutes of crying seems like a hell of a long time!  Especially to someone who does not practice any sort of "crying it out"!

So off I went.  I jumped on the treadmill and tried to get in the zone.  All I thought about was Liam.  Working out was not my top priority (especially during the first week), instead I was focused on Liam and him adjusting to this new environment.  However I was never paged, so I ran for an hour.  Big mistake.  When I went to pick up Liam he was crying pretty hard in someone's arms.  Break my little heart!  I asked if he did well most of the time, to which the lady replied that he was actually upset most of the time.  Why didn't they come get me?!  I told them this was his 1st day!  Angry mama bear here!

Luckily, he calmed down right away and we both gave a huge sigh of relief!  We quickly left, and as I was buckling him into his carseat he talked about "play with friends" and a "firetruck".  At least he seemed happy talking about it, so that made me stomach feel a teensy bit better.  However, I still had a pit in my stomach the rest of the day and that night.
I am very confident in our parenting decisions and so happy with how we have chosen to raise Liam.  He is never left to just cry, so it's very difficult for me to see him upset.  I also don't want all of our hardwork of building trust & a strong relationship over the past year and a half to just be thrown away with this new situation.  Irrational fears?  Probably.  But they are still there, lurking around my head.

Day 2 was better for Liam, harder for me.  This time I stayed and played with him longer and then gave him and kiss and said goodbye.  He started with the lip tremble, so I couldn't bare to leave him.  After a couple attempts, one of the providers told me to go and that he would be fine.  Eeek, so difficult for me.  I came back to check on him through the window 10 minutes later, because I didn't want a repeat of the day before.  When I returned he wasn't being held and seemed happy (although I couldn't see his face).  10 more minutes of running then I checked on him again and he seemed to be the same.  10 more minutes and then I decided to be done and end on a good note.  My mind was just not into working out anyways.  When I picked him up he was holding a woman's hand and had a sad, teary face but was relatively okay.  He was excited to see me and wanted to play right away.  The woman told me that he was a little sad but did okay.  An improvement, so that was nice to see.  Hopefully each day will keep getting better.  I really want to get back in the pool and start spinning again, but that won't happen until I am confident that Liam is happy while I am away.  It's much easier to just jump off a treadmill to go check on him than it is to leave a class or the pool...  Baby steps...

I know that I need to give this process time, but it is weighing so heavily on me.  I feel extremely guilty for wanting this, even though I know it could be wonderful for us both in the long run!  Since my mom guilt was in full force, we made a special trip to Jamba Juice (Liam's favorite) afterwards and spent the afternoon on his new wiggle car!  Have you seen a happier face?!  All is good in Liam's little world, it's just mine that is a bit shaken up.



I would love to hear any help, suggestions, and/or support with this whole leaving Liam business.  I know so many of you mamas have been through similar situations!  This post was more of a vent & outlet for me more than anything else.  If you made it through the whole thing, a big thanks for sticking around!  ;-)

13 comments :

  1. Awww, I would totally be the same way. Sydney is 4 and I have still never left her with anyone other than my mother in law. I am terrified of her starting preschool this fall. I hope he does better every day once it becomes his new normal.

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  2. It does get easier, I promise! Good for you for taking time for yourself. I started taking Caden to to the gym at 3 months. I think kids go thorough cycles of when they are more clingy to mom and dad too. Caden still has days that he cries a little when I drop him off for my workout, but they aren't anything like they used to be.

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  3. You are such a good mama! We went through this with waverlys news babysitter - she started there right at the new year and has slowly been adjusting. She finally is at the point where she is perfect when we drop her off, it definitely took time!! Sounds to me like Liam was already better with day two and that it will get better with each day. Hang in there mama - you deserve you time, too!!!!!! Hugs your way!

    wordsaboutwaverly.blogspot.com

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  4. So proud of you! It's definitely hard to leave your kids with someone else, but it's so important you take this time for yourself to stay healthy!

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  5. I went through the exact same thing with my son. We had never been watched by anyone other than my parents and sister-in-law (a few times). When we started going to the gym Myles was about 13 months and now he is almost 20. That is still the only place he goes without me. At first is was tough. I told them he had never been to daycare, etc, so they were very understanding. For the first 10ish days, he cried.. a lot. They had to call me to get him everyday within 30 minutes. I totally expected that though. I wanted to give up many times, it didn't seem worth the struggle and trauma. He eventually found a girl he really liked. If she held him the whole time, he would be fine. Then slowly he got more and more comfortable. Now he likes it. The girls there love him and give him tons of love and attention. He still has off days when he is upset and doesn't want to go. I don't force it on him because like you said I want him to want to go. I think you should keep going, but only go for as long as you are comfortable with; like 30 mins for a week, then 40 mins, and so on. You are doing a great job. Just keep being consistent and he will start to get more comfortable. Then soon enough it will become something you both look forward to!

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  6. I keep the 1-2 year-olds at church on Sundays and it will get easier. The kids DO ADJUST WELL eventually. You are doing right by both of you, I assure you!!

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  7. Oh man I would be the same way! We don't let Noah cry it out so it would be hard for him too (and me!). He's also only been watched by my mom so I'm terrified about someone else watching him when that time comes. Give it a little more time and see if he starts liking it. If he doesn't is there anyway you can go at night once your husband is home or run with Liam in the stroller? Just options since I know you don't want Liam to be upset.

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  8. Oh honey, I'm sure this is so hard. I don't have a gym membership, so I have no advice, but hang in there. It really will be worth it to be able to work out and have him play. It's good for him to try new things and good for you to get a little free time. I'm sure it's just an adjustment period. Don't be too hard on yourself. Keep trying!

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    1. Thanks for your sweet words Sara! Means a lot!

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  9. Oh girl, I know how this is! I was DREADING taking Mia to the daycare but once the weather became too terrible to run outside, I had to go the gym! Mia actually loved the daycare for the first week (I only go twice a week) but then she started to realize that I leave her, ha! For a couple weeks she cried as I ran out the door and it was all I could do to not turn around and save her :) But she was always fine as soon as I left. What helps ME get over it is having workout buddies. We get talking about I start relaxing. Good luck!! Like I said, I totally understand how hard it is!! But it DOES get easier!

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  10. I promise the whole thing will get easier! I started taking Owen to our gym when he was pretty little and when we go consistently it's easier on him. Now that he's a "big boy" he actually seems to look forward to it most days because it means he can play with the other kids. I'm so sorry they didn't come get you on the first day when Liam was crying. It's so nerve-racking in the beginning and I'm sure that just confirmed your guilt. Like I said though, the more he goes and sees some of the same kids (probably the kids of the same moms you'll be seeing there again and again) and gets to know the care takers the more comfortable he will be going there. Keep up the good work!

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  11. I would be the same way. I don't like to not be in control of Aria. It is very hard for me to leave her anywhere. But, with anything involving toddlers...he will get use to it, it just takes some time. I'm glad day two seemed better. I hope every day is an improvement until he has no problems at all! Don't give up, and if you need to peak every 10 minutes go right ahead. For what it is worth I think you are doing the right thing, your health is very important in your child's life. It is great that you are making it a priority!

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