Today was long. So so long. Those early morning hours feel like days ago. My washing machine has been going nonstop, as has my mind. Worrying, stressing. My glass of wine was well deserved. I better have two. So today...
Finn woke up with his eyes crusted shut for the second day in a row. We had a terrible night with him horribly uncomfortable, so not much sleep was had. I knew I needed to call the doctor the moment that their offices opened up. I was able to make him an appointment for immediately after preschool drop off. A quick doctor's visit revealed that Finn had a double ear and double eye infection. My heart just broke for him. I couldn't imagine the pain my little boy was in. He is such a tough strong guy, because I never would have guessed he had so much going on. I felt like a terrible mother to have let him get this bad before bringing him in. We obviously needed to start him on antibiotics which I was not thrilled about. While antibiotics definitely have a wonderful place in the world of medicine, they are so hard on the body. I like to avoid them at all costs, but especially when my babies aren't even a year old.
When we got home I gave Finn his first dose. We had a little lunch, and then it was nap time. I nursed Finn like usual, but he would not fall asleep. He started crawling around in bed for a minute or two or then starting throwing up. So much milk. All over my bed. It was heartbreaking. I felt panicked right away. I stripped Finn and was going to get in the bath with him. But the throw up just continued. Round after round. One time it took me by surprise when I had set him down for just a moment, that all I could do was put out my hands and hope to catch what I could. He had the saddest face and was just breaking my heart. Eventually there was no more milk and just bile was coming up. I started to freak out and feared he was having an allergic reaction. I placed a call to the doctor's office immediately, and they promised to have our doctor call back shortly. Only a few minutes later I decided that the situation was urgent. I got back on the phone and told the nurse that he was still throwing up, and I wasn't comfortable waiting much longer to be in touch with our doctor. They had us come in immediately. I was bawling at this point, trying to contact Conor who was in meetings all day. I called my mom, because I always call my mom. I was so worried for Finn!
Of course I still had a toddler to manage through all of this. Liam didn't seem to feel the urgency I did in getting on his socks & shoes and out the door. Then he insisted upon doing his own seat belt, because today, today was the day he mastered that skill and now won't let anyone else help. And then Finn threw up again on the drive to the doctor. So he was covered in vomit. I had splashes of vomit on me I'm sure. And Liam was just merrily walking along and not listening. Frazzled is an understatement.
The doctor evaluated Finn again and since his breathing was fine, she did not think he was having an allergic reaction. However, his body obviously had an intolerance to the antibiotics. We decided to wait a day and will re-evaluate on what course to take tomorrow. I'm hoping to start him on a gentler antibiotic. I've done a lot of research on my own to try and figure out what will be best for Finn. I need to be his advocate. I wish I had been more informed before I gave him his first dose. The antibiotic given too him was far too intense. Especially for such a small child and for someone who has never before had antibiotics. It felt like another mommy fail.
So tonight I held him in my arms as much as possible. I bathed with him, letting his little body fall asleep on mine. Feeling his baby soft skin, I was reminded that I am doing everything I can for him. I am his comfort and his protector. I'm trying to nurse him as much as possible to keep him hydrated and to help him kick this. Plus, nursing is by far his greatest comfort. Tomorrow I hope to start the day refreshed. The inversion (which probably caused all of these illnesses in the first place) has finally lifted. Some fresh air will be good for us all. But tonight, tonight I'm washing all our bedding. Our bath mat. His car seat. Our clothes. And sipping some wine just long enough to relax. But then I'm going to sneak right into bed with Finn and love on him all night long. Today was one of those days of motherhood that I will not quickly forget.
Cheers to a better tomorrow. A no emergencies tomorrow.